. untouchable

[ruthie van sant]

it's strange how things never turn out the way you expect them to.

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he's sitting across from me, the most curious expression in his eyes. he looks so completely at ease, as if he's not working to impress anyone, which he isn't, but the way he looks, so comfortable in his own skin, is baffling to me. whilst he takes a sip of his water, his gaze wandering away from my face, i seize these few moments to study him. it's not often that i have these opportunities, but he's distracted now, possibly by the passing couple walking by. for once, though, i don't notice them in the way that i normally do. this time, i'm focused completely on him, on every line of his face, every stray hair that curls across his forehead, every subtle twitch of his lip. although he's the photographer, the one always looking through the lens, taking in everyone else, the tables are now turned. i try to absorb every little detail of him, try to make sense of all of the emotions i catch flicker across his face as, for the first time, i really, truly look at him. no longer are the subtle glances spared across bustling rooms filled with the clamour of voices and forced laughter; instead, we are just two people, completely alone, having lunch at a corner café.

i am dressed down, my auburn hair pulled back into a garish bandana, minimal traces of makeup lighting up my normally heavily made up face. it's a strange feeling to be sitting here with him, just sitting and sharing the quiet, neither of us feeling the urge to break the comfortable silence with mindless chatter. it's odd, and yet, it's nice. it's unlike anything else, the feeling i get when i'm with him. just the way he looks at me makes my cheeks rosy. it isn't that we're desperately, irrevocably in love with one another, although i'm sure, in time, that may come to be the case, but it's the simple fact that we can just be. between the two of us, there are no strained silences or burdening tensions. we are just two people, two friends, enjoying one another's company.

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by the time we go to part ways, the lines have smudged. i've felt his hand intertwined with mine, his arms around my waist, his breath on my neck. it's different now, but still the same. there's still that ease, but beneath it lays unspoken words. neither of us knows what to say as we stand on the corner, arms awkwardly positioned at our sides, as if unsure of what to do. how curious that i, the surrogate actress, am completely at a loss. i've been through this scene so many times but when faced with it in reality, this parting is not as sweet as one would imagine.

minutes pass and we are on the brink of saying goodbye when i am unable to control myself. the feeling buzzing through me is unfamiliar but welcomed as i move forward, his body mirroring my movements. the warmth of his body makes me delirious as our limbs intertwine, his arms weaving around my waist and mine, around his neck. we stand there for several minutes, oblivious to the outside world. however, in the way that nothing lasts, we finally part. no words pass between us as i turn, casting a smile over my shoulder at the golden-haired boy standing beneath the streetlight.

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