. kiss me on the bus

[silas wylie]

lolita,

having you over this morning was amazing. i've missed you so much. i've missed us so much. when am i going to stop being such a coward and just come right out and tell you that i love you while we're making french toast? i'm tired of this, of these unspoken words. i'm tired of everyone just knowing me as your 'best friend'. change it to 'boyfriend' and next time, we'll have french toast and fruit salad.

because i know you like them both.

this morning while you were sitting at my kitchen table and i was doing the dishes, i almost gave in and told you how i felt. instead, i just asked if you'd come over again tonight to watch movies with me. you don't think it's a real date and of course, i ruined the moment by accidentally splashing myself with water.

but you laughed.

so it was worth it.

the next time we have breakfast, things will be different. i promise. i'll stop hiding behind these false pretenses of friendship. i will stop being a coward.

i will be brave.

i'll ask you out. for real this time. i won't write to myself. instead, i will write to you. i will write you letters and leave them in between the pages of the books you have stacked under your bed.

because i'm not satisfied anymore.

i'm not. i'm not. i'm not.

i want to be more to you than what i am.

i love you. i always have, from the moment we met. i love all of you, every part of you. i love the way your hair looks in the morning and how you get self-conscious about your smarts. the way you look at me and the way you laugh late at night when we're afraid to wake my mother. i love that you know me in and out.

i love you.

but first i just have to ask you out for real.

i feel like throwing up.

i need to take this one step at a time. i need to learn not to joke at important conversation points. like discussions over dating.

and i need to find a movie for us to watch tonight.

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