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Post by tomas martin on Feb 22, 2011 22:05:43 GMT -7
my phone is vibrating. it's the third night i've been gone and it's the forty-seventh time her name has lit up the screen. there's a fierce desire to answer it, to pick up the phone and hear her voice on the other end, just to remind me that she's still there and not just a dream that i've been holding onto. but i can't because i told myself i wouldn't. every night i've spent beneath the unfamiliar sheets, she's accompanied me. every night i've been gone, she's been there with me. in my bed, in the room, in the car, in my mind. my feelings for her are inescapable, an amalgamation of everything i've ever felt for anyone else, but not. i must preserve what we have but first, i must know what we have can last. this is a test for us, to see whether or not we can be without one another. it's childish, sophomoric, and yet i need it. i need that reassurance that she will be there if i choose to disappear - or rather, if i need to. as collected as i like to think i am, i've still got skeletons in my closet and demons in the night. i am only a caricature of the person i once was, a horrendously disfigured physical manifestation of the potential i once had. i am trying though, for her and also, for trent. they are the only two people that exist to me, the only two that hold me to this world. my bonds with them are unbreakable; no matter what i do, i must make them proud. i can't imagine a life without them.
i roll over, desperately trying to block out the frustrating noise of my mobile against the wooden tabletop. it won't stop though. i know she must be drunk or upset and it tears at me that i cannot get up and answer her, whisper reassuring words in an attempt to soothe her in the only way possible. thousands of miles separate us but it's as if she's right beside me. it's one of those terribly frightening sensations of wanting something but being unable to have it. i know, though, that it is my fault. i could just pick up the phone if i weren't such a coward, if i weren't so intent on putting such stress on our volatile relationship. it's not on purpose - although, really, it is - but a defense mechanism. i love her with my whole heart. in fact, i imagine the two of us together, years from now, surrounded by children. i never tell her these things, though, for how am i to know what the future holds? i don't want to make her false promises and fill her beautiful head with impossible hopes.
all i want is now but i need more.
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the next night follows the same pattern. it is now the fourth night. summer is out with dorian and trent sleeps soundly in the next room over, completely unaware of the tension that has begun to pervade the hotel room whenever summer and i are in the same room. i can no longer remember why i followed her back. this is due in part to my growing frustration with her and also because of the emptied bottle of spiced rum clutched within my fist. ivy's name flashes across my screen, never disappearing, for she is calling repeatedly. i stare at only light within the room and it glares back, challenging me to answer her. i know i should, but i don't. she can wait a little while longer.
a false sense of sobriety drives me to my feet and i stumble, nearly knocking over a lamp in my haste to reach the balcony. the cool air hits my skin and i inhale in quick gulps, as if my life depends on this crisp night air. i drop the bottle, ignoring the quiet shatter it makes as it meets the pavement a few stories below my trembling feet and my clammy hands grip the metal railing. i want to go home and not to kent. home is where my heart rests, hopefully still with ivy. i fumble for my phone, momentarily forgetting that i've left it on my bedside table. i need to call summer to let her know that i am leaving, that i need to get back and that i am taking trent with me.
by the time i reach the bed, though, i've forgotten my mission, the thoughts having drifted out of my head to be replaced by ones of complacent laziness. as soon as my head hits the pillow, i'm out, my dreams filled with the girl with the perpetual pout. i can only hope that these dreams will return to being reality soon.
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